I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.