I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.