I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.