I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".