I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?