I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

How can there be self-help groups?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese