Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.