Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.