My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I have a quantum car. Every time I look at the speedometer I get lost.

There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?