Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.