My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?