I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'