Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.