Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.