Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 -- Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot.

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.