Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.