Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?