Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.