Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

You know the old joke, I went to the fights and a hockey game broke out.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.