Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.