I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

The sky already fell. Now what?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

My father was a small claims court jester.