I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.