I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I'm standing behind a wall of jokes. You don't know about my personal life, my girlfriends, or what I do when I'm not on the road. There's this guy, this comedian, and this is how he thinks, but people really don't know anything about me.