I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.