I was always making my friends laugh but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.