I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

I got an answering machine for my phone. . . . Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up . . . they hear a recording of a busy signal.