You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

How young can you die of old age?

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

My mother is from another time - the funniest person to her is Lucille Ball; that's what she loves. A lot of times she tells me she doesn't know what I'm talking about. I know if I wasn't her son and she was flipping through the TV and saw me, she would just keep going.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.