Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

My father was a small claims court jester.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'