If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.