A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and . . . ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.