I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

No one is listening until you make a mistake.