I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I look like a casual, laid-back guy, but it's like a circus in my head.

I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?