I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.