Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.