When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?