Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?