People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.