People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears. I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps