I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Because I don't believe everything I read.

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.