I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.