Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda