Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over.