I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.