I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?