I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.