My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.