Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.