It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

I lost a button hole.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.