I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I lost a button hole.

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.