I just got this new camera. It's very advanced - you don't even need it.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?