I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.

My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.