Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.

I have a fax machine with "fax waiting".

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.