When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.