Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

I love women. I actually prefer girls, as a parent, because they disappoint at a different age. They go through that, "Dad's an idiot," which lasted a little longer than I'd like.

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.