I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.