I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.