With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'