With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.