With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out