I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.