I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.