Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.