You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'