You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.