So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.