So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.