Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."