Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'