I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'