I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.