I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.