I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.