I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.