I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.