I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'