I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Velcro: what a rip-off.

People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.