I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.