I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.