I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.