I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.