I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."