The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.