The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."