The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.