People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'