I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.