I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".