I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'