I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.