I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."