I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If you do weave one-liners into a story, you have to have an overall story as well, otherwise it doesn't really count as narrative.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out