My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out