My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Comedy covers such a wide range of different styles that I'm not really qualified to talk on all of them any more than anyone else is.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.