My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.