My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.