My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

For one thing, I don’t pun excessively in real life.

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.